Thoughts

I feel like I could beat myself up against the floor just to feel something else in my body, right now. Everything is so confused, I don't know what to do or what I'm going to be in the next couple of seconds. It shouldn't be like this, I did have a better understanding of myself a few weeks ago. Or at least, I thought I had.
The more I type this and the more I realize a little bit more where I am. Writing is therapeuthic for me, always been like this. At least that's a constant in my life, unlike the various feelings that pop out in my head. They scream and just appear randomly and I want to scream to make them disappear. So I tell myself to shut, to shut the hell up! As if I was some other person who was trapped in another body. But the reality is there is a very unclear separation in my own mind between who I appear to be everyday and the constant flows of emotion that makes me go mad. I stay calm and behave like a good boy for everybody when I should be kicking and screaming and laughing strangely most of the time. Everything is bottled up inside of me constantly, nothing makes much sense if I let my primitive self talk. So I tell myself to shut up. Because there aren't different person in me, just one guy who have to be and to conform to his dreams of sanity if he wants to achieve something meaningful in life. Unlike all the clones around me or my parents. No, to be honest and fair, my parents did achieve many thing and I can't deny this. But when I look back at their entire life, it lacks meaning and achievements such as the ones I aspire to. To be looked as someone who did do something. Who succeeded at expressing himself in an original way. To have a true original voice and to be proud of that voice. This is where I stand and this is where I want to be. In years from now one, I want to look at me and say to myself : I'm better now than I was before. I can say that about the man I was two years ago and I can say that to the boy I was ten years ago. But right now, I'm still facing constant fears that make me question who I'm going to be and where I'm going. This isn't really about school. It's more about the future, being an adult and having a job. Ok, in a way it is about school because I'm leaving class forever in three weeks. But the real question is not : Am I going to succeed ? But, rather, am I going to still be able to evolve ? What are the compromises that I will have to make to make ends meet. That's what I should tell Lila. I should tell her about this. Not the weird self part, I don't think it's that original to be honest. But the "scared about who I'm going to be" part is maybe something that could be discussed. I hope I will be able to see her tomorrow. In fact, I hope I'll be able to spend some more meaningful time with her more often. As long as we don't just let time flow and speak about our daily problems, I think we can share some great time and make each other smile. That's whats lacking in our lives and that's what being with her should be about. Nothing less while striving for more.